For the last month or so, I've been asking God for the ability to value my voice and a greater capacity to forgive (myself and others). More specifically, I want to be able to take back my power, which has been spread thin from different experiences throughout my life, and to be able to say "no" with confidence in Him and in myself. I feel as though there have been a lot of opportunities lately to put these particular goals into practice, and I will share just one of them. God is a great teacher, that's all I can say.
I work in customer service, a mighty fine test of patience and endurance, if I do say so myself. There was a particularly unpleasant interaction I had towards the end of my shift with a certain lady. When she came to the register for the purchase, she had a certain number of her product, which in bulk, equaled a specific amount of money. Buying each product individually would save 50 cents from the grand total- but when going to five, the price is set, then to ten, the price is set, etc. etc. Anyhowsers, once she saw the grand total for the ten items she decided it was too much and demanded she pay for everything at the individual price. I explained her it's the store policy once she reaches a certain number to pay the set price and showed her on the register it'd be a 50 cent difference in totals. Escalating in rudeness and throwing a fit, she continued to demand that her price be met, as i continued to (as calmly as I could, explain that was our store policy). I honestly don't know how to explain everything I felt, but I couldn't believe a grown woman was acting so rudely and intensely over such a minor incident- and that she was being dishonest over 50 cents.
She continued to speak very condescending to me, until I rang her up (ending up giving her the 50 cents off, much to my dismay). Immediately, her countenance changed and she became all bubbly and cute and happy and said, "Sorry for being so difficult, 50 cents is 50 cents you know." The next thought that crossed my mind was, "Yeah, whatever, bitch." I was shocked. Why would I let this incident affect me so deeply? Why get worked up over this experience? I was so angry at her acting like a child, I was upset that she thought she could get her way by acting out. Although I didn't say it out loud, I couldn't believe that had been my honest reaction to such an insignificant situation. I didn't know this woman. I had spoken with her all of ten minutes, and I will probably never see her again. As she left, the words from the sermon on the mount came into my mind, "For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? Do not even the publicans the same?"
I realized (probably for the millionth time in my life) that it's really easy to be nice to people that are already nice to you- but how many of us make the effort to genuinely seek to love, care for, and especially understand those who wrong us? I have major forgiveness issues for various reasons and realized I was so upset at this situation, not because I was actually angry with the woman, but because I was projecting my own hidden issues on to her actions.
As I closed up and went home, I kept hearing my own words echo in my head, ashamed of reacting in such a hostile way, and being extremely annoyed that I was letting myself be so affected by someone else's actions. After much pondering and praying, I came to realize this experience was tied to what I had been asking for- I had asked to find a greater capacity to forgive and to my voice. And when I had used my voice, this woman shot me down time and time again, very rudely I might add. And I figured out that I resented this woman for her ability to voice her desires and (although I don't agree with what she did and how she did it) I actually admired the fact that she could use her voice to get what she wanted. I resented her for her voice because I recognized through our interaction that I still have a long way to go, I was jealous that I still feel like I am not making a lot of progress. I realized that I had no idea what her experiences in life were- what her triggers are or why she acts the way she does, but God knows. And as long as I work on myself and forgive myself, I know He will take care of everything else. And I think this also ties into what you've been studying-on being compassionate and merciful towards yourself when you mess up. If you choose to do so, then you will be all the better prepared to show that same love and compassion on others in life.
I decided to visit the sermon on the mount in my studies this morning- and I really loved what Christ tells us:
"Ye have heard it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in Heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others?"
God doesn't expect us to get it all at once. He wants to try time and time again, allowing us to fail so we know what it's like to receive His divine help and to recognize we really can't make these changes on our own. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is such a deeply personal experience for those who choose to embrace it. Although everyone's circumstances are completely different, the principles of the gospel apply no matter who you are, what you've done, and wherever you go. We are promised if we have faith in Jesus Christ and his atonement, we are allowed to change through the gift of repentance. As we do so, God allows us to make a wonderful promise with Him, to be WILLING to be obedient in His commandments (baptism for those who have not entered into the covenant, and the sacrament for those who have been baptized). In return for making this promise to Him, He gives us the companionship and guidance of the Holy Ghost, who purifies us, leads us, comforts us, and enables us to be prepared to meet God as we endure to the end (making more covenants along the way). Although we will fall short again and again while here on earth, we are promised that if we give Him our absolute best in all things, not only will we live with Him again, but we will be "purified even as he is pure."
"Where, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become [the daughters] of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure." Moroni 7:48
I am so grateful for a kind, patient, loving Father in Heaven that knows and understands my own experiences and weaknesses and will allow me to grow in my own way. I know He is proud of all you are doing and becoming! Keep up the great work!!
Love,
Emmaline
Holy cow, this study of yours freaked me out. Not because it was scary, but because on my way home from school today, that very same scripture about how true charity is not loving those that are easy to love. It is loving your enemies, those that hurt you, or those that don't treat you very well. Because I, too, had a couple of experiences today with this. They are so small, but important for me. I'll share one. There was a girl in my class who I have tried to be nice to time and time again. One time I said, "Hi, how is it going?" and she just completely ignored me. After a while of this I noticed that she doesn't comment in class and when she does, her face goes red, so I thought, "Maybe she is just shy." I think that is true, but today after a look from her after I threw some kindness her way, I just thought, "Wow, I really don't like you." It kind of shocked me. Strangely enough, it was an indication of both what I have improved and what I still need to improve. Before, I wanted to be nice to everyone, but sometimes it was just because I wanted everyone to like me. If someone didn't like me or was rude to me, I would internalize it and think it was my fault. So being nice was also selfish sometimes. But this experience where I basically allowed myself not to like someone and not to care if I'm liked made me realize that I have progressed. But the fact it bothered me shows that I still have some work to do on my charity. Anyways, I kind of wonder if your situation could actually show some progress too??? Just a thought. Because although yes, there was the projection and anger and mean thoughts in your head, I feel like the fact you were able to see that it was her problem, not yours is progress. I don't know though, I wasn't there or in your head. But I do feel like sometimes we don't notice the progress underneath the mistake. I am so proud of you and I love how honest you are with yourself. I saw a lot of self-compassion in your words today. You were able to be like, yeah, I did do this and this did go through my head. But it was with acceptance and hope and compassion and understanding. Way to go Emily! Seriously, I'm impressed. I love you!
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